- Hey, hey, hey, don't belittle my feelings.

I'm in a very sensitive place, and I will kick your ass.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, come on, Charlie.

So you struck out with a woman.

It happens.

Believe me, it happens.

(audience laughs)

And when it does, the best thing to do is

to pick yourself up, dust yourself off,

and curse god for making you the way you are.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

I've heard a lot about you.

- And I've heard a lot about you too.

And I gotta say, I am pleasantly surprised.

(audience laughs)

- Really?

How so?

- Well, Allen tells me you're a judge and a professor.

And quite frankly I wasn't expecting someone so uh...

- So what, Charlie?

- Um, yummy.

(audience laughs)

That was wrong, wasn't it?

(audience laughs)

- Yes, that was wrong.

(audience laughs)

- What I meant was I was expecting you to be more,

you know, dry.

(audience laughs)

But you're not.

You're actually kind of moist.

(audience laughs)

Yo, dude, what up?

(audience laughs)

Just follow my lead.

- Ah, this is awesome.

- Eh, just a little surf shack

where I keep my board, beer, and brother.

(audience laughs)

How they breaking today, broheim?

(audience laughs)

- How are what breaking?

- Dude smokes way too much weed.

(audience laughs)

- The waves, Poindexter.

- Oh, oh, the waves.

The waves are gnarly?

(audience laughs)

- All right, let's hit it.

- Oh, I intend to.

(audience laughs)

(door opens)

Hi Tina.

Long time, huh?

- Charlie Harper.

What do you want?

(audience chuckles)

- I know things didn't end well between us.

- Really?

I thought they ended perfectly.

We spent a week in Cancun having great sex every day.

Flew back to Los Angeles,

you told me you'd call me tomorrow, and it's been

what do you know?

A year and a half.

(audience laughs)

- Women like Sherry already know they're beautiful

and desirable.

You're not gonna score any points by telling her.

- Okay.

- And don't be in a hurry to spill your guts.

She doesn't need to hear your whole life story

before you get to the salad.

- Got it.

- And speaking as someone who knows your life story,

I'd say she doesn't need to hear it at all.

(audience laughs)

- Right, right, I'll be cool, aloof, distant.

(door bell rings)

She's here, she's here, she's here.

(audience laughs)

- Hey Allen, you wanna catch a movie tonight?

- Can't.

I am taking a lady friend to the Hollywood Bowl

for a romantic evening under the stars with Michael Buble

and Three Runners Up from American Idol.

(audience laughs)

- What's in the bag, a noose?

(audience laughs)

- No, it's a picnic basket.

Fried chicken, bottle of Merlot, and my autograph hound,

in case I get lucky.

(audience laughs)

Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that?

And more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed

with you?

- You really want to know?

- Yeah, what's your secret?

- Well, you see, Allen, it's like this.

I got a knack.

(audience laughs)

- That's not a secret.

- I didn't think so, but you asked.

(audience laughs)

- When I'm just dating one woman at a time,

if she dumps me--

- When she dumps you.

(audience laughs)

- Either way, I have to start from scratch

finding a new woman.

However, when I'm dating two women,

if one of them dumps me--

- When one of them dumps you.

(audience laughs)

- Either way, I'm not alone.

- Wait a second, wait a second,

you're saying that it's advantageous

to date more than one woman at a time?

Good lord, man, you're a genius.

(audience laughs)

Always break up in a public place.

That way, you avoid having a scene.

- That makes sense.

- When, before the dessert menu comes out.

Otherwise, you can find yourself with a lap full

of hot coffee, which is not as much fun as it sounds.

(audience laughs)

- That doesn't sound fun.

- Sounds fun if you're wearing a couple of donuts.

(audience laughs)

- Melissa and I have this chemistry,

and it's really hard not to act on it.

- Yeah, it's tough when you work together.

- Right.

- You don't crap where you eat.

- I know.

(audience laughs)

- You don't dip your pen in company ink.

(audience laughs)

And you never bang a woman who owns a snake or a bird.

(audience laughs)

After dinner, when you walk to the car, open her door,

wait for her to say thank you, smile, lean in,

and kiss her.

- Oh, nice.

(audience laughs)

(door opens)

- Hi, Allen, you ready?

- You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen,

and I don't deserve you.

(audience screams, laughs, and cheers)

- That's another way to go.

(upbeat music)